


It Will Atone

by CEABell



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27420439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CEABell/pseuds/CEABell
Summary: Each day we make hundreds of choices that shape our reality, changing the possibilities, changing our futures in unimaginable ways. One choice can change not only our future but the future of those around us. It was just one choice; the Cullens didn't move to Forks. But fate has a way of setting things straight. Bella Swan's freshman year of college just got complicated.
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	1. Prologue

Prologue

“Can I give you a hand with that, Bella?” Angela asked me as I struggled to climb the stairs to our second-floor apartment with my final load. The box was heavy, full of books I couldn’t bear to leave at home, although I knew the drive was only a little more than three hours away.

“No, I’m good,” I called over my shoulder, moving my hands to readjust my grip carefully. My fingers slipped, the box threatening to fall from my grasp and tumble back down the stairs, but I was able to throw myself forward enough to drop the box on the step, my body hunched over it to keep myself from slipping backward. My ribs smarted, and I bet there would be a bruise before long.

“Uh-huh,” Angela muttered, helping me up and taking one end of the box, indicating I should do the same.

“I’m not weak, you know,” I said, complying as we made our way up the stairs.

“No, you’re not weak,” Angela agreed. “But you should be more careful. This box is ridiculously heavy. What do you have in here? Cement blocks?”

“Just some books,” I mumbled as we entered our apartment, shuffling over to the back bedroom of our three-room suite.

“Don’t you think you’ll be too busy reading textbooks to bother with anything else?” asked Angela, sounding skeptical.

“Literature major,” I shrugged by way of an explanation. Angela went back outside to grab some more of her own boxes and I carefully pushed my heavy box of books closer to the built-in shelves on the wall opposite my bed.

The room was a bit smaller than my room back home in Forks, but it was private, which meant I wouldn’t have to deal with Angela or Jessica bringing their boyfriends in and distracting me from studying with their public displays of affection. And yeah, I had to share a bathroom with two other girls, but it was better than the single room dorms which required you to use the community bathroom. I shuddered at the thought. 

“I think this is the last one, Bells,” Charlie said as he entered the room with another box of books. 

“Thanks,” I said, indicating where he could place it. We stood in awkward silence for a moment, neither of us quite sure what to say now that the task at hand, bringing all of my stuff into my dorm, was finished. Charlie and I had never been very good at conversing for the sake of it, but the unspoken words hung in the air before us. We would miss each other and the comfortable home we had together, we would miss the space we gave each other while still always having someone there for us. I would worry about him and whether or not he was taking care of himself, and if he felt lonely. He would worry that I wasn't being social enough or that I'd get hurt and he wouldn't be close enough to help. 

"I'd probably better head back," said Charlie, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Alright," I said, stepping forward and briefly putting my arms around him in a hug. He placed a quick kiss to the top of my head before he pulled away. "Drive safe, Dad. I'll see you next weekend."

"You don't have to come home every weekend," he said. "You're going to be pretty busy with your classes and friends."

"I know," I said. "I'll see you soon, Dad."

As soon as he was gone I got back to work organizing my room, placing books on my shelves, making my bed, and putting clothes away in the small cupboard beneath my window. I could hear the faint sound of music coming from Angela’s room, but otherwise, it was quiet. When Jessica and Angela had suggested rooming together at the University of Washington, I’d been extremely hesitant. I was here on a scholarship, and the last thing I needed was to be distracted. I couldn’t afford to let my grades drop.

So when I’d discovered that Hansee Hall had a 24-hour quiet hours policy, I knew that was the only possible way the situation could work for me. Add to the fact that the building was the oldest student dorm on campus  _ and _ looked like it had been transported out of the pages of a Bronte novel and I knew it was meant to be. It reminded me of what I’d imagined Thornfield Hall from  _ Jane Eyre  _ to look like before I knew what actual gothic architecture was, so I couldn’t have been happier with the situation.

“Jess is here,” said Angela, sticking her head into my room. 

I nodded. “I’ll be out in a minute.” I wanted to finish up with as much organizing as possible, as I knew Jessica and Angela would want to walk around campus before classes start. I wanted to be prepared as well, so I grabbed my class list, planning to stake out the location of each of my classes so I lessened the chance of getting lost tomorrow. 

“Holy cow,” Jesicca was saying to Angela as I walked into our small common area. “I just saw the hottest guy I’ve seen in my entire life.”

“You always say that,” I said with a slight roll of my eyes and smile a knowing smile in Angela’s direction.

“No, I mean it this time,” said Jessica, her hands moving animatedly. “He had this windswept hair look and these dark eyes. Yummy.”

“Does he live here?” Angela asked curiously. 

“I don’t know, I just saw him when I was walking over from Mike’s dorm. I wonder if he lives in Haggett Hall as well.”

“Hey, do you need any help with your boxes?” I asked. “I’m almost finished setting things up in my room.”

“Yes, please,” said Jessica. “Then we can go check out the cute ice cream shop nearby.”

“The ice cream shop right by Haggett Hall?” asked Angela knowingly.

Jessica shrugged noncommittally. “Is it? I hadn’t noticed.”

#

An hour later we were trudging around campus, searching for the classrooms on my list while Jessica whined about how spread out the campus was. 

“Can’t you just get lost and go to the wrong class on your first day like everyone else?” she asked, her sugar high from the ice cream we consumed finally wearing off. 

“No way,” I said. “The last thing I want is everyone looking at me like I’m an idiot who can’t even read a sign.”

“But everybody does it,” said Jessica. “It’s like a rite of passage or something. And besides, college is different from high school. There are so many people, there’s no way anyone will remember you as the girl who went to the wrong class.”

“Knowing my luck,” I said. “That’s all anyone would know me for.”

“There are worse things,” said Angela, glancing over my shoulder to read my class list. “I think that one’s over here, by the communication building.” 

“Thanks,” I said, verifying my list. “That’s all of them, I think.” 

“Good,” Jessica sighed. “Because my feet are killing me.”

“You’re going to have to get used to all the walking, Jess,” said Angela. 

“No, I’ll just get one of those motorized scooter things. This is ridiculous.”

"I think I'm going to turn in early," I said as the girls started making plans for dinner. "I want to finish putting my room together so I'm really ready for classes in the morning."

Jessica sighed and I knew she was irritated with my lack of desire to explore campus and find hot guys to flirt with, but that really wasn't my scene. I'd never been one to stay out all night or shirk homework in lieu of hanging out with friends. Not even Jacob, despite his being my best friend, could tempt me with a bonfire at the reservation if I had an English paper to finish.

"See you at home, Bella," Angela called good-naturedly as I turned to head back to our dorm. I waved a hand goodbye and hurried back, wanting to take a shower and get settled before the girls got back. Sharing a bathroom with two other girls was going to be a challenge, I knew.

A brisk breeze blew, picking up the few leaves which had already fallen from the trees which weren't perpetually green, reminding me that it was now officially autumn. Despite the fact that I hated the cold, I longed for a change. I felt a restlessness I couldn’t quite explain, a longing to finally begin, although I couldn’t quite put my finger on  _ what  _ or  _ how _ . 

I was probably just nervous about my first week of classes. After that, everything would fall into place. I hoped. 


	2. Chapter One: Biology

Chapter One: Biology

I woke up early, wanting to make sure that I was dressed and ready in plenty of time for my first class--biology. It was an early class, starting at 8:30, but by finishing classes earlier in the day, I would have a better chance of getting a part-time job to work with my schedule. It was also a two-hour lecture course, which I figured was best to get out of the way early in the day before I wanted to throw in the towel altogether. 

I felt like I was going to enjoy the freedom that college offered. I wasn’t going to be forced to hang out with people I didn’t like, and if someone invited me to a party, I could always give a very valid excuse that I had a paper to write or test to study for. Not to mention, as a Literature major, I was essentially getting a grade to read. What could be better than that? 

At eight o’clock, I was fully ready for the day. It would only take me fifteen minutes to walk to the life sciences building, so I sat down on my bed and pulled out my biology textbook--a behemoth of a book which had set me back over $200. Honestly, textbook prices were an absolute crime.

I glanced at my phone--8:15. It was time to head out. I could just hear the girls beginning to stir and was glad once again that I’d decided to register for some earlier classes this semester--it was make sharing a bathroom that much easier. Perhaps I had been overly concerned about Jessica hogging the bathroom to do her makeup. 

I grabbed my bag and my class list and checked it for the fourth time to verify what direction I should be walking in. My heart stopped as I reread the schedule. 

_Bio 114_

_Prof. Barnes_

_Life Sciences Building RM 130_

_MWF, 8:00-10:00am_

8:00? How had I thought it said 8:30? Maybe it was the room number that had thrown me off. I looked at my phone again. 8:16. I was already sixteen minutes late, and it was at least a fifteen-minute walk to the life sciences building. I couldn’t believe I was going to be late on my first day of class--my very first class as a bonafide adult. I had been ready, just sitting there reading the textbook like an imbecile! It was mortifying. 

I arrived at the Life Sciences Building out of breath and sweaty. I hastily pulled my hair back, hoping the sweat at the back of my neck would dry faster that way and praying that my antiperspirant was doing its job. 

I made a B-line for the classroom, extremely glad that I had scouted it out beforehand instead of winging it as Jessica had suggested. I looked at my phone as a peeked into the room. 8:31. Thirty-freaking-one minutes late. Kill me now. My only hope was that there was a seat available near the back. 

No such luck. There were only three empty seats in the whole lecture hall--one on the very front row, which was just...no. I was ridiculously late. There was no way I was going to embarrass myself further by broadcasting it to the entire room of over a hundred students. I’d rather hover against the wall than deal with that level of humiliation.

The other two seats were on either side of a guy towards the end of the center group of seats, one of them being an end seat. Nodding, I propelled myself forward, hoping that the momentum would keep me going towards my goal before my nerves gave out. 

“So good of you to join us,” called Professor Barnes as I slipped into the aisle seat next to the bronze haired boy. 

“Sorry,” I mumbled, but Professor Barnes had already moved on in his lecture on the syllabus and how our grades would be weighted this semester. Sighing with relief, I pulled my backpack off of my shoulders and began searching my bag for my textbook and notebook. In doing so, I glanced at the guy sitting next to me and inhaled sharply. 

The first reason was reasonably obvious--he was without a doubt the most beautiful man I had ever seen in my short nineteen years. His features were angular, his dark eyes perfectly complimenting his pale skin and bronze hair, a shade which I couldn’t recall ever having seen before. It--and he, really--was, for lack of a better word, stunning. Perfect.

The other reason for my quick inhalation and sudden lack of breath was that those dark, impossibly handsome eyes were boring into mine. Not in the “let-me-stare-into-your-soul” kind of way, but in the “I-utterly-despise-you” kind of way. And I had no idea why. Maybe he didn’t like it when people were late for class. Perhaps he didn’t want anyone sitting next to him. Or perhaps he wasn’t a morning person. 

But then I noticed that he wasn’t breathing and his mouth pulled down at the sides into a pronounced frown. He looked away quickly, turning his attention to the professor, but his muscles were locked and his fists were clenched in his lap. 

As discreetly as possible, I bent down into my bag again, checking quickly to see if my antiperspirant was, indeed, holding up. All I smelled was the synthetic “fresh rain” scent. Was that particular smell offensive to him? I knew some people were really sensitive to perfumes and lotions. Maybe he was one of those people. I quickly pulled my hairband out, letting my hair cascade over my shoulder and create a curtain between myself and my neighbor, wishing I’d just sucked it up and taken the seat at the front of the class. 

After several minutes of furious note-taking, trying to keep up with Professor Barnes and wishing I’d arrived in time to grab a syllabus, I chanced a glance between my hair, only to find the bronze-haired boy in motion. He was making his way between the students on our row, muttering apologies as he did so. When he reached the opposite aisle, he walked stiffly towards the vacant seat at the front. Far away from me, and my extreme proximity to an aisle. Rather than get any closer to me, he’d gone out of his way to inconvenience at least twenty other students in our row--or my row, now, I supposed. 

And I still had no idea what I’d done. I glanced at his former desk, completely puzzled, and more than a little hurt and irritated. There lay a syllabus, the stapled corner fresh and unpressed. I grabbed it quickly, skimming over the pages as I compared them to the notes I’d taken, realizing that I’d done a fairly good job for arriving so late. 

The rest of the class went without incident, although my eyes were inexplicably drawn to a specific head of bronze hair several times throughout the lecture as I tried to recall his features and analyze a possible reason for his sudden and violent feelings of disdain for me. I couldn’t put my thumb on it, and in the end, I stopped trying and tried to focus instead of the lecture. It was all review for me, at this point, and I hoped that the entire semester would be like this. It would feel nice to feel like I was ahead in something so that I could focus my time on any subjects in which I wasn’t as fortunate.

By the time class ended, I’d resolved to give Mr. Angry-Eyes his syllabus back, if only to see if I could ascertain what his problem was, but he easily dodged around me as I held it out to him when he was pushed by the throng of students into the center aisle next to my seat. 

He held his hands up defensively, his voice coming out in a tight whisper. “Keep it.”

Fine. I would. 

#

"Maybe he was in the wrong class?" Jessica had surmised as I told the story to my roommates later that night on our walk back to our dorm from the dining hall. 

"If that were the case, then he would have walked _out_ of the class, not to the front row," I had reminded her. 

"I don't know, Bella," Angela had said. "Some people are really just crazy. I wouldn't worry too much about it, especially if it's a big class. He probably won't sit near you again so you may not even have to deal with it."

Angela was right. On Friday, I made sure to arrive at my biology class _on time_ , but there was no sign of him. The entire next week came and went, and he still never came to class again. 

Because my biology class was so large, we had to participate in discussions on the online platform. Next to our names, there was an option to add a profile picture. I admit I spent way too much time clicking on any of the guy's names, which had pictures, trying to figure out who the mysterious Mr. Angry-Eyes might be. But he wasn't there.

Finally, I concluded that he had dropped the class, as was fairly common. That first week, all of my classes saw a shift in my classmates, but as the deadline for transfers approached, it became less common. On Monday of the second full week of school, the last day to transfer loomed, I held my breath as I entered my biology class. Still no gorgeous Angry-Eyes. 

But I wasn't going to let my apprehensive disappointment ruin my day. I was thoroughly enjoying my classes, especially my Intro to Literary Theory class. There was a _lot_ of reading, but discussions were riveting, and I knew it wouldn't be too difficult to get an A, which meant I could finally start looking for that part-time job in earnest.

Everything seemed to be looking up...until I walked into my Intro to Literary Theory class. There he was, with that beautiful bronze head of his, handing Professor Poole a piece of paper.

"I was hoping to transfer into your class, professor," he said smoothly, his voice every bit as beautiful as his face.

Professor Poole nodded, not looking up from her notes at the podium. She held a hand out to take his transfer request. 

"That should be fine," she said. "I had someone transfer out yesterday. You can have the last spot. Take a seat, Mr.--" her eyes searched the paper for a moment, "Mr. Cullen."

I had a name for the face at last, and despite the anxiety that was washing over me, knowing he would have to notice me before long, I was happy to finally solve that one part of the mystery, at least. He made to turn around but stopped, the muscles in his shoulders tightening. Suddenly, his head whipped around, and our eyes met. 

They were lighter than I remembered them being but blamed that on the human mind and memory’s fragility. He was also far more beautiful than my mind had recalled. There was no doing justice to that face, and I felt almost annoyed with my mind that it hadn’t been able to fully conjure up his appearance for me to admire at will. 

My lungs were screaming for air, and I realized I’d been holding my breath. I took in a shaky breath, realizing he was still staring at me, his gaze, thankfully, slightly less intense than that morning in biology. He was waiting for me to make a move. I slipped wordlessly into the desk nearest the door, and Mr. Cullen walked purposefully to the opposite end of the room, making sure to sit on the front row to juxtapose my back-row seat. There was no misconstruing the action--he was trying to avoid me, putting as much distance between us as humanly possible. I just didn’t know why. 

“We’ll be focusing on new historicism this week,” Professor Poole was saying, but I had a difficult time focusing on her face, as my eyes kept flickering of their own accord to the back of Mr. Cullen’s head. Why did he always have to sit in front where I couldn’t glance at his face?

“But first, I wanted to assign groups for the presentation at the end of the month. Remember, you’ll need to choose two novels from our reading list to compare and contrast, which will mean...what?”

A girl at the front of the class shot her hand up. “We will actually have to read both novels?”

“Yes,” said Professor Poole, her lined face pulling into a smile, creating even more wrinkles. “Exactly. You’ll need to read both novels. Also remember, I will be assigning the literary theory you will use, which will be the lens by which you will view both novels.”

She began listing off names and assigning literary theories. As each person’s name was called, they raised their hand so that those around them could see what their group members looked like. 

“Robby Jenkins,” Professor Poole said, and I cringed, knowing what was coming next. It would just be my luck. Robby was always late for class, always had to borrow a pencil, and in general, seemed somewhat out of his depth. 

“You’ll be using deconstruction with Bella Swan,” here, I raised my hand and chanced a glance towards the front row, where the Cullen kid was eying me curiously. “And Edward Cullen.”

Edward rose his hand slowly, our eyes still locked. I cocked an eyebrow at him questioningly, and he finally looked away. 


	3. Chapter Two: Edward

Chapter Two: Edward

Edward. I now had a name for the face which had been renting space in my head for the last week. Edward. What an old-fashioned, classic name. It brought to my mind images of heroes from some of my favorite novels--Sense and Sensibility, Jane Eyre… but those heroes were nothing like the Edward who was now making his way towards me, stiffly, his jaw set in either determination or anger, I didn't know. 

Professor Poole had reserved the last fifteen minutes of class for talking with our groups--exchanging phone numbers, making preliminary plans for which novels we might do our presentation on. Robby was already sitting near me, so he swiveled in his seat as we waited for Edward to take one of the seats vacated by our former neighbor as she went to meet with her group.

"What's up," said Robby brightly when Edward sat down at the empty desk across from me. His reply to Robby was a tight smile and a small nod of his head. His hands were clenched atop the textbook on his desk, the knuckles impossibly pale, bordering on almost translucent. 

"I'm Robby," Robby offered, looking at if he might offer to shake hands, but a glance at Edward's face seemed to change his mind.

"I'm Bella," I said, attempting to make my voice sound light. 

"Edward," said Edward, not offering a smile or any sort of explanation for his odd behavior. Not that I was expecting one...but it would have been nice. 

"Here, let's write down our numbers so we can contact each other about getting together to plan for our presentation."

I quickly wrote down my name and phone number on a page of my notebook. On the following line, I wrote "Robby" and the one after, "Edward." I handed the paper to Robby so he could write his number down, and he handed the paper to Edward, who sat behind him. I suggested we take pictures of the paper with our phones. It seemed less intrusive than passing our phones around, as some of our classmates were doing. I didn't like the idea of people having access to all of my personal information, even if it was only for a few moments. 

"Do either of you have a preference about which two novels we should do our presentation on?" I asked when neither guy seemed to want to take the lead.

Robby pulled out the list of novels, humming about how he hadn't read any of them yet, so he didn't really know which ones would work. Edward sat silent, staring mostly at his clasped hands atop his textbook, but I occasionally caught him looking at me with that same questioning expression. To put it lightly, his gaze was...intense. All consuming. My heart rate increased, and I found it both difficult to look away when our eyes met and incredibly frustrating because we only had five more minutes to talk about our project, and then it would have to be done in our own time. 

"What about... _ Utopia _ and  _ Little Women _ ?" Robby suggested.

It was all I could do to hold back my laugh. I mean, I supposed the transcendental angle was an option, but it would be pretty tricky, especially if I had to do more than my share of the work. "Why not choose something with more things in common. It will be easier if there are overlapping themes. Any suggestions, Edward?"

He merely shook his head. Right. So it looked like I would be pulling  _ all _ of the weight on this one. 

"Alright…" I sighed. "What about  _ Frankenstein _ and...  _ Dracula _ ? Any objections?"

Robby shook his head. "Hey, that's pretty brilliant. They are both about monsters! That overlaps, right?"

I didn't bother to correct him, knowing that we didn't have time to get into the fact that we would likely be deconstructing and talking about the themes of both novels, not something as simplistic as a Venn Diagram. 

I looked to Edward to ask if he had a better idea or if those novels sounded acceptable to him. His lips twitched as if fighting to smile at some joke I wasn't privy to. 

"That's fine," he said just as Professor Poole stood up again to let us know our class time was up.

"I guess we should figure out a good time to get together and plan which direction we want to take. In the meantime, we should make sure we read both novels and take notes."

Or reread, in my case, as I owned and had already read both books a few times before. 

"I've seen the Bride of Frankenstein," said Robby as he stood up and slung his bag over his shoulder. "So that should make this a bit easier."

It took all of my willpower not to look at Robby as if he had two heads. Honestly, had he signed up for the wrong class? Or was he one of those people with such a dry sense of humor that you could never tell if they were joking? I sincerely hoped it was the latter.

A looked over at Edward as I began packing up my things. His lips twitched again, and his eyes sparkled. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought we'd just shared a moment of mutual amusement, but the smile was gone the next moment, and he had already disappeared through the classroom door…

#

"Hey, Bella," Angela called from the sofa in our common area as I entered our suite later that afternoon. She was sitting crossed legged with a math textbook in her lap, her hair up in a messy bun. "How were your classes?"

I took a deep breath. Might as well get it over with. Maybe she could tell Jessica, and I wouldn't have to recount the tale twice.

"Remember that guy I told you about from my biology class? The angry one?"

Angela put down her pencil, her look of concentration relaxing into one of interest. I loved that about Angela--she was such a good listener, and so conscientious, reserving judgment until she had heard everything, and often all together.

"Yes," I said. "He still didn't show up for biology this morning, but he was in my Lit. class today. He's in my group for a big project at the end of the month."

Angela's eyebrows raised. "Was he still angry?"

I hesitated, recalling his face as our names were called together, as he was forced to sit down beside me, and as we had almost shared a private joke.

"I'm not sure. At least, I don't think he was. But he wasn't exactly happy either."

"What did he say?"

"That's the problem. He hardly said a word."

"Maybe he just has one of those faces. You know...resting…"

I laughed at Angela's hesitance to swear.

"I kind of doubt it, but I guess anything is possible. I guess the mystery will unfold soon enough. We are going to have to get together to work on our group project soon."

"Maybe you could just ask him what his problem is," said Angela.

"There's one idea, I suppose. How’s Ben?”

Angela smiled, her eyes lighting up. “He’s doing great! We’re going to go eat dinner together if I can ever get through this mountain of math equations.”

“I’m happy for you,” I said, readjusting my bag on my shoulder and hoping she wouldn’t fix me with that sad little smile she sometimes did when we talked about her and Jessica’s significant others. Poor Bella, all alone. It wasn’t that I hadn’t had opportunities to date, just that they weren’t the right guys. “Anyway, I have to get started on all of this reading and finish printing out my resume to start the job search. See you later."

I trudged to my room, dropping my backpack on my bed and sitting down at my computer--a graduation present from Charlie and Renee. It was a little older but functioned a lot better than my previous computer in Forks. 

There wasn't much I could do to tweak my resume. My job experience was fairly limited, although I had worked at Newton's Outfitters all summer. Hopefully, that would be enough to tempt someone into hiring me.

I'd opted for a less expensive university, one close to Charlie, as I knew he would miss me. He was just so alone… But less expensive was still expensive, and, despite having a scholarship, there would be things I knew Charlie and Renee just couldn't cover. Like gas to and from Forks on the weekends. If I didn't have to work, that is. 

I hit print on my resume, making sure I had enough copies to drop off at the various locations I had noted were hiring near the campus. As I watched my archaic printer think about its job, perhaps contemplating the meaning of life, Edward's eye drifted through my memory. I could have sworn they had been onyx that day in biology, but they had looked more amber, maybe lighter this morning. 

I fell onto my bed, knowing that I needed to get started on my homework, but feeling like I couldn't focus. After pushing thoughts of Edward's face from my mind, I finally began my biology homework. 

Not for the first time, I wished Forks wasn't such a small town. I’d been in several AP classes in Phoenix and could probably have graduated with some college credits without too much difficulty, but Forks didn’t have those kinds of opportunities. Despite my good grades, I wasn't starting where I wanted to be. I was forced to take some classes which were, honestly, a little too simplistic. I was impatient, I knew. I felt like I was still waiting for something to begin, waiting for my life to truly start. It had always been like that. I had hoped that with moving out and starting college, the feeling would go away. But it didn’t. It only grew stronger, more resolute, growing a pulse of its own, which beat in my ear so loud that it was sometimes difficult to hear anything else. It was vague and ethereal, but constant. 

“Hey, Bella,” Jessica said, leaning her head around my door. “There’s a party at Haggett Hall on Friday--put it on your calendar.”

“I can’t,” I replied, trying to force my face to show some semblance of disappointment or regret instead of the relief I truly felt. “I’m going home Friday after classes.”

Jessica sighed, rolling her eyes and slumping her shoulders with annoyance. “Why?” she whined. “You went home last weekend. Your dad can get along just fine without you. He seemed to do alright before you moved from Phoenix.”

“Sorry,” I said, choosing not to engage. It was just easier to deflect or change the subject when it came to Jessica. “I’ll try to catch the next one.”

Jessica’s frown told me she didn’t believe me, but she nodded and left, closing the door behind her. I hoped that she would accept my need for solitude at some point, but it was difficult for an extrovert to really get where an introvert was coming from. Or at least that’s how I justified it in my head, wanting to give Jessica the benefit of the doubt. 

#

Tuesday flew by in a blur of classes, dropping off resumes, and trying to finish the mountains of homework I already had. I awoke Wednesday morning feeling jittery and anxious, and I didn’t have to wonder why. However, I did wonder if Edward would actually be in class today or if he’d dropped this class too. I wondered all through biology and on my walk from the Life Sciences building to my Lit. class, scenarios running through my mind. Would he be angry today? Would he say more than two words together?

He wasn’t in class when I got there, slumping down into the desk in the back, nearest the door. Robby was there, a few seats ahead in the next row. 

“Hey, Bella,” he called genially, holding up a dog eared copy of  _ Frankenstein  _ to show me. “This is not at all what I thought it was gunna be. It’s just a bunch of letters.”

I smiled, holding back a laugh. “Yeah, pretty different from what you see in the movies, right?”

Just then, Edward strolled into the room, forgoing the first two rows of empty desks, opting instead for a seat towards the middle rows. But he didn’t stop at the front as he had done up to this point and opted to sit in the very back. There was only one desk between us. Crap.

Now I couldn’t enjoy the view of the back of his head, and if I chanced a glance at his face, I’d probably get caught and end up blushing furiously because that was my superpower. 

The rest of the class filed in as Professor Poole began speaking. 

“I’m going to send around a sign-up sheet for your presentations. Pick a date and pass it on.”

The clipboard and sheet came to me before my other group members, given that I was in the front row. I quickly skimmed the possible dates, pausing at the Wednesday or Friday options. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I distractedly pulled it out, still trying to think through which day would be best to present. Wednesday would give us that finally Monday to make sure we were ready, but doing it on Friday would allow us to see what kind of things the other groups did. I glanced down at my phone. I had a new text from a number I didn’t recognize.

_ I won’t be here on the 28th. Would it be possible to present on the 30th? _

Edward. I looked over to him, and he was looking at me calmly, expectantly, as if he had spoken the words and was waiting for my reply. I quickly jotted down our names on the sign-up sheet and passed it on before picking up my phone again.

_ Sure. We’re the second group that day. _

I looked over to Edward as he glanced at his phone. He looked at me again and nodded. He didn’t smile, but there was something about his eyes today, something lighter, more relaxed. And his jaw was not the tight knot of muscles it had been the two previous times I’d seen him, either. Although I knew it had to be impossible, this relaxed version of Edward was even more handsome. 

But Professor Poole was talking again, and I had to push thoughts of Edward away to take notes. When class was over, I had planned to stop both Edward and Robby so we could make plans to meet about our presentation. But before I could even finish putting my books back in my bag, Edward was between my desk and the door. 

“What would be a convenient time to discuss our presentation?” he asked, his voice smooth and calming. I tried to stand up, but my legs became jelly beneath me, and I fell back onto my chair. 

“I’m free in the afternoons and evenings, for now,” I said, feeling the blush creep up already.  _ Calm down _ , I told myself,  _ it isn’t like he’s asking you on a date. This is required _ . “What about you, Robby?”

Robby began prattling off about his schedule, and it took a few moments for me to translate what he was saying into something helpful.

“So, you’re free in the evenings as well?” I asked. Robby nodded.

“What if we get together tonight? Seven o’clock in the library?” I suggested. Both guys agreed, and I slung my bag over my shoulder, heading out of the classroom and down the hall to the building’s door. Edward walked silently beside me and, once through the door, began walking in the opposite direction. I waited a few moments before looking back, unable to stop myself from trying to get one last look at him, but he was already out of sight. 


	4. Chapter Three: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Chapter Three: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

After my math class, I headed back to my dorm, wanting to get all of my homework out of the way before I needed to head to the library. I had just opened up my math textbook when my phone buzzed.

“Hello, Mom,” I said as cheerily as I could. She would worry if I didn’t sound happy. 

“Hey, baby! How were your classes today?”

“Just fine,” I said, wondering if I had the mental capacity to talk to my mom while solving linear equations. Sighing lightly, I closed my textbook. “Same old, same old.”

“Any bites on the job front?”

“Not yet,” I said. “But hopefully, some of the places will have a chance to look at my resume and application in the next few days.”

“You’ve got that scholarship, sweetie,” Mom said. “You should be having fun, not worrying about a job.”

“I am having fun,” I said. “Learning is fun to me, Mom.”

“You know what I mean. You should be hanging out with people, going to parties, staying up late talking to your roommates--”

“That’s not really me, Mom. I’ve never been much of a party girl.”

My mom sighed. “You know what I mean. I worry about you.”

“You don’t need to. I have Angela and Jessica. We talk. And I’m going to hang out with a couple guys from my Lit. class later.” It was a bit of a stretch of the term “hang out,” but what Renee didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.

“Guys?”

Uh-oh. Maybe I should have stopped at the whole, “I hang out with my roommates” thing.

“Yes,” I said, futilely hoping that she wouldn’t press the subject. 

“Are they cute?”

“Mom, we’re just going to be working on a group project. But I’ll be, you know, socializing and all that.”

“Alright, alright,” she said. “I want you to have the whole college experience. I never had that, you know. I just don’t want you to have any regrets or miss out on anything.”

“I’m not missing out. Promise.”

I changed the subject, asking about Phil and how baseball season was wrapping up. By the time I finally got off the phone, I knew there was no way I would get all of my homework done before heading off to the library, so I went to take a shower instead. I knew I shouldn’t be agonizing about what I should wear to a group study session, but here I was, standing in front of my closet and wondering what would look nice. After several minutes of self-doubt and annoyance at myself for even bothering, I grabbed one of my favorite blue tops and put it on, brushing out my almost dry hair and looking at the time on my phone. 

I had a few minutes before I needed to head out, so I grabbed my Lit. textbook and my copies of  _ Frankenstein  _ and  _ Dracula _ . I opened  _ Frankenstein _ , turning to the page I had left off.

_ “There is something at work in my soul, which I do not understand…” _

I must have checked the time every minute until I decided it was late enough to leave my dorm and head to the Suzzallo Library. I was in love with this library and had already spent several hours among its vaulted, cathedral-like ceilings and marble walls. But I wasn’t sure if it would have any private places to study, so we would likely need to head to one of the study rooms in the adjoining Allen library. Not that we needed anything private, just that we needed to talk and not disturb anyone. 

Edward was waiting for me at the library entrance, one hand on the strap of his bag, standing still and patient like a statue. The corner of his mouth pulled up when he saw me, and my heart fluttered. It was like the ghost of a smile, and I hoped that I could coax a real smile from him by the end of the night, although I couldn’t quite identify where that thought had come from. Except that I imagined he would have a rather beautiful smile. 

“No sign of Robby, yet?” I asked, stopping close beside him and looking back expectantly towards the library entrance. 

“No,” said Edward easily. “Maybe you should text him. I think he might be thinking we’re meeting at a different library.”

“Right,” I said, pulling out my phone and searching for the picture with Robby’s number. I struggled to send the text, as my hands were shaking slightly, and I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. Edward made me nervous...but I didn't mind. Not even a little.

“So…” I began, trying to think of something to ask him that would break the silence while we waited for Robby. 

“What are you majoring in?” Edward asked before I could form a thought.

“Oh,” I began, trying to keep up with my thoughts. The conversation topic was utterly normal, but for some reason, I hadn’t expected it. “English. Literature. You?”

Edward shrugged noncommittally. “Pre-med. Or Music. I’m still considering my options.”

“That would explain the biology, but not the literary theory class. That's not really designed as a generals class.” I mused aloud, then grimaced at my mention of our biology class.

“I have varied interests,” Edward explained smoothly, seemingly nonplussed. 

"But won't it take longer to get your degree?" 

"Doubtful," he said. "Why Literature?"

All of his answers were so short and clipped. "I love books. Sometimes more than people."

He nodded, either in understanding or agreement. "And you aren't concerned with what everyone says about English majors?"

I groaned inwardly, already tired of defending my choice. “You’ll never find a job,” “I guess you could always teach.” I’d pretty much heard everything at this point, and I had only begun my college career.

"This is what makes me happy. I hope that the people I love can be supportive, but it's my life to live."

"Indeed," said Edward thoughtfully. His eyes narrowed as he seemed to be searching my face for something. After a moment, his expression relaxed, and he looked away, disappointed. I wondered what he had seen there that had him looking so crestfallen and couldn’t help my own feelings of disappointment. 

“Hey, sorry,” said Robby as he entered the library a bit breathlessly. “I was way on the other side of campus. Let’s find somewhere to sit down.”

“I’ve reserved a study room on the third floor,” said Edward, heading for the stairs. Robby and I followed, and I steeled myself against the climb. It wasn’t that I was out of shape, just that stairs, and I hadn’t always seen eye-to-eye. I had lost count of the number of times I had slipped on the stairs at home. I followed silently, watching my feet as I climbed and breathed a sigh of relief when I reached the third floor unscathed. 

Edward led us to the study room without a word and took a seat at the long table, taking out a notebook and pen, then looking up at us expectantly.

“How has the reading been going?” I asked as I pulled out my copies of the novels we had chosen. 

“Fine,” said Edward. His jaw seemed tight again, his posture more rigid. I wondered what caused the change. He was leaning away from me, once again putting added distance between us.

I tried not to focus on it too much and instead made a mental list of the positives of this situation. The room was warm and cozy, a nice contrast to the cold October air outside, and I felt like it would be relatively easy to fall asleep in here while studying. My face flushed under Edward’s expectant gaze, only adding to the warmth. 

“I haven’t gotten very far,” Robby admitted, pulling out a scattering of papers and notebooks. Somehow, I didn’t find that surprising. 

“Okay,” I said, trying to decide how we could divide the work if no one were ready even to discuss the novels. 

“Well, have you been able to identify any themes we might talk about?”

Robby shook his head. “So far, it’s just this guy writing letters to his sister.”

I tried to keep the look of panic off of my face. He wasn't even to the first full chapter! We only had two weeks to pull this presentation together. It was a significant part of our grade, and I didn’t want to end up scrambling at the last minute. 

“How about we come up with a list of possible themes and look for evidence within the texts?” I asked, feeling like I was grasping at straws. I sent a desperate look in Edward’s direction, hoping he would give me something--anything to work with. 

As if finally understanding me, Edward opened his mouth. “Common themes within both novels would include creation, family, ambition, life versus death, and different types of love, to name a few.”

“That sounds right,” I said, writing down his list. “Have you read both books before?”

Edward’s lips twitched, and I sat with bated breath, hoping they would pull up completely, but I was left disappointed. “Yes,” he said simply. 

Despite my disappointment, I sighed with relief. I'd had visions of having to create actual scripts for Robby and Edward to read during our presentations. I was sure that it would take me far more time than I had to give right now. I wasn't exactly taking a light course load this semester.

"Do they ever get more interesting?" Robby asked, flipping through his book. I'd noticed that he never really looked at Edward directly when he spoke to him and found that a bit odd. But maybe he was intimidated--I knew I was.

"You may find them to be an acquired taste," said Edward. "You'll find they are really nothing like most of the film adaptations and that most interpretations use a fair amount of...artistic license."

"Like the fact that people call the monster "Frankenstein" when that's the doctor's name," I added.

"Whoa," Robby continued flipping through the book as if he could gain this knowledge via osmosis. "I guess I'm going to have to find the SparkNotes on these bad boys."

Edward looked as irritated as I did at that moment. I turned to him, deciding that it was probably best to talk to the one person who could save me from carrying the entire assignment.

"I thought we could go through the books and try to find quotes for each of those themes."

Edward nodded, clasping his fingers together over his notebook. "It's a decent plan, Bella, but I think you forget something."

I got goosebumps from hearing the sound of my name on his lips, feeling the blush begin to creep up my neck and face. "What's that?" I asked, my voice sounding a little breathless to my ears. Ugh, I was such an idiot. I bit my lip in a fruitless effort to distract my body from my burning face. 

"We have to look through the lens of deconstruction." 

"Right," I said, my mind struggling to recall if I'd read that far into the textbook yet. I couldn't remember if I had. "I'm not exactly sure what that is yet."

A small smile appeared on his lips, and I felt like I might burst then and there. I'd been right. He had a beautiful smile, small though it had been.

"It's essentially the idea that nothing is as it seems. You can't take anything at face value because language is limiting. There's no "set meaning" anymore."

"That complicates things a bit," I said, still biting my lip as I considered how that might change our approach.

“Let’s start with your idea first. Then we can sit down again and figure out how the literary theory changes our approach.”

I must have known that we would need to meet up again, but hearing Edward say it was both exciting and sad. I knew for a fact that I  _ wanted _ to see him again, wanted to know more about him--but did that mean we were done for the night? We’d hardly begun.

“I have some time if you’d like to look for some quotes now,” Edward suggested. “And Robby can work finding some quotes at the beginning of the novel.”

“Oh, sure,” Robby said distractedly. “What were the themes again?” I slid him the list, then opened up my copy of  _ Frankenstein  _ to begin my search.

“I’ll just start with “creation,” I guess,” I said, flipping to a passage I knew discussed the topic and jotting down the page number, then moving to another passage, though it took me a few moments to find the one I was looking for. 

Edward sat on the other end of the table, taking his own notes, his eyes blinking slowly but otherwise still. He didn’t open his book, but I noticed him transcribing an entire paragraph quote.

“What, do you have a photographic memory or something?” I asked in wonder.

Edward glanced up at me in surprise, his mouth opening slightly. He looked down at his paper and then up at me again. “Something like that,” he said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“That must come in handy,” I said wistfully. “How do I get one of those?”

Edward didn't reply. Instead, he finally opened up his book and turned a few pages before stopping on the one he had been looking for. 

“Man,” Robby exclaimed after a few minutes of quiet, the only sound being the rustling of papers and scratching of pens. “This Victor dude is a real downer.”

“That’s a Byronic hero for you,” I mumbled, not looking up from my book as I continued to write down page numbers and any thoughts I had regarding the quotes. After a few minutes of silence, I noticed I could no longer hear the scratching of Edward's pen and glanced up at him.

My heart immediately skipped a beat. Edward was staring at me intently, his brows furrowed, and for a moment, I thought he was angry again.

"How old are you, Bella?" He asked quietly, barely breaking the silence in the room.

"I just turned nineteen a few weeks ago," I said, unable to look away. "Why? How old are you?"

"And you're a freshman?" He asked, blatantly ignoring my question. 

"Yes," I said, raising my eyebrows expectantly. "You?"

"Yes," he said, apparently amused by his own answer. 

"Okay then," I said, turning back to the task at hand. I checked my phone. It was almost eight o'clock, and I still had a mountain of homework waiting for me. I resolved to finish finding quotes for the one theme before calling it a night. 

"I need to go," I said, reluctantly pushing my chair back and standing up to put my things away.

Edward stood up as well, and for a moment, I was reminded of the old-fashioned custom of standing when a lady stood or entered a room. It was an interesting thought to associate with a twenty-first-century boy, and I chuckled in spite of myself. 

"What's so funny?" Edward inquired, picking up his notebook and bag.

"Nothing," I said.

"Well, I got some reading done. The chapter was brutal. When should we meet up next?"

“Soon,” Edward and I said in unison. That was all it took to set me off blushing again. Curse my involuntary reflexes! I justified the need to meet again because that may be the only way to get Robby to pull any weight on our project, but I knew that was a lie. 

“Friday night?” Edward suggested, gracefully swinging his bag over his shoulder. I watched the motion, mesmerized, and I had to shake my head slightly to remember what we were talking about.

“I can’t,” I said regretfully. “I’m heading home right after classes on Friday.”

“Monday?” said Edward, not to be deterred. 

“I can do that,” I said, and we both turned to Robby, who was putting his book away, seemingly oblivious to the conversation. 

“Yeah, sure,” he said, and I wondered if he’d actually heard what we had been talking about. 

We made our way down the stairs, and I looked down at my feet again, walking slowly. To my surprise, Edward kept pace with me as Robby hurried off in his own little world. 

“You said you’re going home this weekend. Where is home?” Edward quietly asked as we walked towards the library doors. 

“Forks,” I said. “It’s a little more than three hours to the west.”

Edward smiled--a genuine smile with teeth and crinkly eyes. “I know Forks. I used to live there--a long time ago.”

“Small world!” I said, my heart rate increasing and a surge of adrenaline coursing through me. I wasn’t sure what was so exciting about that...except that Edward and I had something in common. “Maybe we went to the same daycare or something.”

Edward chuckled. “I doubt it.” We reached the doors, and he hurried ahead to open the door, waiting for me to walk through. “Do you often go home on the weekends?”

“If I can,” I said. “But I’m looking for a part-time job, so I might not be able to do that for much longer.”

“That makes you sad,” Edward said, his eyes narrowing. 

“Charlie--that’s my dad--he gets lonely,” I explained. 

“So you drive home on the weekends--instead of spending time with your friends--so that your father won’t feel lonely.” It wasn’t a question. 

I shook my head. He made me sound a lot more selfless than I was. “I don’t mind so much. I’m not really into partying or anything like that anyway.”

“That’s right. You prefer books to people.”

“Some people,” I said, the words coming out more severe than I’d intended.

We stood there in the dim lamplight outside the library, neither one of us choosing a direction to walk in. Although I had a lot of homework, I wanted to continue talking with Edward.

“Hey, do you want to go grab a coffee or something at the cafe?” I asked, surprised at my own boldness. Also, I hated coffee, but I supposed they probably sold other things there.

Edward’s phone buzzed, and his countenance suddenly darkened as he stared down at it. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.” He gave no further explanation as to why but quickly added, “I’d better go. See you in class, Bella.”

I mentally kicked myself the entire way back to Hansee Hall. I barely knew this guy, but I’d all but asked him out. Unsuccessfully, I might add. I felt like an idiot for being so presumptuous. Of course, he didn’t want to get coffee with me. When I had suggested it, the look on his face was the same one he had given me that first day in biology. He’d been cordial, even friendly towards the end of the night, but something I said had set him off again. And I had no clue what it was. 


	5. Chapter Four: Roller Coaster, Thy Name is Edward

Chapter Four: Roller Coaster, Thy Name is Edward

I seriously considered skipping class on Friday to avoid the awkwardness I knew was bound to follow my invitation and subsequent rejection from Edward. To my surprise, Edward was sitting next to my usual seat when I arrived at my Lit. class sweaty and breathless. My biology class had gotten out late, and I’d had to run across campus to make it to class, but I still ended up a few minutes late. I made a mental note to leave myself more than ten minutes between classes next semester. I thought about pulling up my hair and allowing the back of my neck to dry, but I remembered biology class and decided against it.

Edward offered me a friendly smile as he passed me the handout I had missed at the beginning of class. 

“Good morning, Bella,” he whispered in his velvet voice as I took the paper from his hand. I tried not to let my surprise show, but I guess I wasn’t successful because Edward looked at me curiously.

“Are you feeling alright?”

“Perfect,” I said, not entirely sure I was answering his question or describing the way the side of his mouth curled up as he had asked. But I wasn't quite ready to forgive him for Wednesday night, so I turned to listen as Professor Poole began writing on the board. 

“Now that you’ve had some time to acquaint yourselves with Mr. Dickens and Oliver Twist, does anyone have any thoughts on the historical significance of the novel?”

I flipped open a page of my notebook and began scribbling down some thoughts on the question as the class discussed the theme of poverty.

“That’s quite insightful,” Edward said quietly, and it took me a moment to realize he was talking to me as he glanced over at the page I had been writing on. I instinctively covered my notebook with my hand, glowering at him. 

“It’s nothing,” I mumbled gruffly.

He raised an annoyingly perfect eyebrow at me and smirked knowingly. I wished I could tell what exactly he was thinking because I had no idea what that knowing look was supposed to mean. 

We said very little to each other throughout the remainder of the class, as I was still feeling the sting of rejection and finding his suddenly cheery attitude to be more than a little irritating. I knew I shouldn’t hold it against him. Maybe he just wasn’t attracted to me. That was entirely possible and more than a little probable. I mean...looking at him and then at me--there was a stark contrast. Almost painful. 

“Why don’t you share more during class discussions?” Edward asked quietly as the other students began filing out of the classroom. 

I looked at him stupidly, wondering why he cared. 

“I don’t know. Maybe I don’t have anything to say, or maybe what I have to say isn’t worth adding to the conversation.”

Edward cocked his head to the side, narrowing his eyes like he did when I assumed he was concentrating on something. “You doubt yourself, but you shouldn’t. You’re quite brilliant for your age, you know.”

Brilliant?  _ For my age _ ? What the heck was that supposed to mean? I wasn’t sure if it was a compliment, an insult, or some variation of the two.

“Thanks?” I said dryly.

“I’ve offended you somehow,” Edward said, his eyes growing wide and his brow furrowing. “I’m sorry. I promise that wasn’t my intention. I only meant that I think you’re clever. Is the thought so repugnant?”

“No,” I said, almost laughing at his word choice. I didn’t know that I’d heard the word outside of a classic novel. “I just...don’t know what to do with that. I’m just me. That’s not how I see myself.”

“I see,” said Edward, as if making a mental note. “I’ll bear that in mind. Have a good weekend, Bella. Enjoy Forks.”

“Yeah, you too,” I said before shaking my head at my own stupidity. “I mean, have a good weekend.”

Edward slipped out of the classroom just as Angela and Jessica appeared at the door. I’d completely forgotten that we’d planned to grab lunch together before my math class. Edward and I had been the last people in the classroom, apart from Professor Poole, who was preparing for her next class. Both Jess and Angela looked at me expectantly as Edward walked past them with a small nod. 

“Oooh, Bella,” Jessica whispered conspiratorially. “You’ve been holding out on us. Who is the guy with the hair?”

I shook my head, laughing nervously. “That’s just Edward.”

“Wait,” said Angela. “Mr. Angry-Eyes?”

I almost laughed at the serious way she said the silly nickname I had given Edward in the heat of my anger on that first day. “That’s him.”

“You two looked cozy,” Jess said, bumping my shoulder as we began walking down the hallway.

“Shh, Jess, please. He’ll hear you,” I pleaded, watching Edward’s retreating figure and feeling my face begin to blush. 

“Well, you did,” said Jessica defensively. “And what’s wrong with that? He’s gorgeous. You should ask him out.”

“I did,” I said miserably. “He shot me down.”

“Dang, I’m sorry,” said Angela. “Well, his loss.”

“Maybe he doesn’t like girls,” said Jessica, following Edward’s figure with an appreciative grin. I knew they were trying to be supportive, but this was the last thing I needed--this distraction. I was already behind on homework and reading, and I’d received a call the previous evening for a job interview to fill one of several on-campus positions. I needed to focus.

“I’m already over it,” I said, shrugging but biting my lip to distract myself from the truth. Because I wasn’t even remotely over it.

#

I really tried not to--I really, really did, but I couldn’t help thinking about Edward all weekend. It was beyond annoying, especially because I knew next to nothing about him. But perhaps the mystery was part of the appeal. With his changing eyes, both in color and emotion, his soft voice, his intense stare, his beautiful face...and his artful dodging of almost all personal questions, who wouldn’t have wanted to know more? 

I spent most of the weekend in a desperate attempt to catch up on homework, so Charlie and I spent a fair amount of time in the living room, me surrounded by textbooks while he watched the game with the volume down, for my sake. It was nice to be home and to have something familiar to help ground me after the chaotic first few weeks of school. I knew it would be one of the few times I would be able to come home until the end of the semester, as my interview had gone well, and I’d accepted a job working at the Allen Library. It was the perfect student job, really. In any downtime, I was allowed to study or work on homework. It was a coveted position on campus, and I honestly had no idea how I had snagged it, but I wasn’t complaining. 

On Sunday afternoon, Billy and Jacob came over to watch a game and have lunch. It had been a while since I’d seen Jacob, as I’d been pretty busy over the summer, working at Newton’s Outfitters and trying to save money for school. 

“We should go down to the beach the next time you’re in town,” Jacob suggested as he practically inhaled his lunch. We both sat at the small kitchen table with Charlie and Billy watched the game. 

“Whoa, slow down there. You’re going to choke,” I laughed. Jacob and I were very different--he was always so happy and self-assured. His warmth and quick-to-laugh nature were something I’d really appreciated over the past year and a half since I’d moved to Forks. There had been a few times when Jacob had hinted that he might have feelings for me as more than a buddy, but he was still strictly in the friend zone. He was still pretty young, and I just...didn’t see him that way. Sure, he was good-looking, and he’d certainly gone through a growth spurt in the last year or so, but it didn’t change things for me. There was always something missing. And I didn’t want to settle, not after watching Charlie and Renee and the catastrophe that had been their relationship. I didn’t need that kind of heartbreak in my life... 

“What do you say? Next weekend?” Jacob gave me his best puppy-dog pout.

I just laughed and rolled my eyes. “You know that doesn’t work on me. Besides, I think I have to work next weekend. I’ll let you know the next time I have time off, and we can plan something. Of course, I’ll have to make sure to finish my homework first.”

“Homework, shmomework,” said Jacob. “Who cares about A’s anyway?”

“I think the scholarship committee probably do,” I reminded him. “But what do I know.”

“Right,” Jacob said as if he’d forgotten that the only way I could have gone to college in the first place was if I had a scholarship. “Hey, what happened to your arm?”

I looked down at the ace bandage I’d tried to cover with the sleeve of my shirt. “It’s nothing. Just a little tumble down the stairs.”

“Again?” Jacob asked incredulously. “Dang. Charlie needs to invest in bubble wrap or something.”

“Har har,” I said dryly. “It’s the same wrist I broke at the beginning of the summer. I think it’s just a bit weaker now. This is just a sprain, though.”

“You’ve seriously got to be more careful, Bella,” Jake warned, not for the first time. “Maybe you should get checked out for that inner-ear balance problem.”

I rolled my eyes with a long-suffering sigh. “I’ll think about it. Just as soon as I make my first million.”

“How long do you think that will take on an English Major’s salary?”

I glared, my lips pulled thin in irritation. Jake was one of the few people who could get away with a comment like that. He barked a laugh before apologizing and changing the subject. Unbidden, it brought to mind another face, another pair of eyes, a different kind of laughter, and I felt goosebumps erupt across my arms. I seriously needed to start charging that boy rent for all of the time he spent in my head. 

#

I wasn’t excited to leave Charlie, but I was eager to get back to school, to start my new job, and to turn in the ridiculous amount of homework I had been able to catch up on over the weekend. I’d made a lot of progress preparing for my next study session with Robby and Edward, and I was looking forward to comparing notes with Edward. I had long ago written off Robby as a lost cause. We would be lucky if we could get him to finish reading  _ Frankenstein _ before the 30th, but at this point, I was kind of doubting it. 

I made sure to remind Robby during Lit. on Monday of our study session for that evening, but he seemed like he was only half-listening as was apparently his way. So it shouldn’t have come as any real surprise that, when I walked into the group study room I had scheduled, there was no Robby in sight. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that he still had a few minutes before he was late and that Edward was also absent. 

Seven o’clock came and went, and there was still no sign of either of my counterparts. It was 7:02 when the door to the study room finally opened to reveal an apologetic looking Edward. 

“Sorry I’m late,” he said. “Family drama. What did I miss?” He froze in the doorway as he took in the room and my solitary place at the long table. 

“Where’s Robby?” he asked tensely.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” I shrugged, waving a hand to indicate that Edward should take a seat. He didn’t. He stood in the doorway, one hand on the strap of his bag, the door propped open with his foot. 

“Did you call him? Text him?”

“Both. No answer.”

“Listen,” Edward began slowly. “Maybe we should reschedule.”

Was he for real? What was he so afraid of? Was he so nervous that I would ask him out again that he couldn’t even handle being in the same room as me? 

“Edward, seriously, it’s fine,” I tried to keep my voice as light as possible. “We need to figure this project out. I don’t want to fail because Robby couldn’t get his crap together. Just sit down and talk to me.”

Edward just looked at me, wide-eyed, the muscles in his jaw visible. I imagined I could hear the sound of him grinding his teeth but couldn’t reconcile it. What was his problem?

“I don’t think that would be a good idea, Bella,” he said, echoing the words of his rejection. 

“Fine,” I said, pushing my chair away from the table and gathering my books into my arms, not even bothering to return them to my bag. I brushed past Edward, resisting the childish urge to shove him with my shoulder as I did so. I considered heading for the stairs but knew that the adrenaline that fueled my angry outburst--with my track record--would likely end in my demise at the bottom of said stairs. I turned to the elevator, pushing the button more times and with more force than was actually necessary as I felt Edward step up beside me. 

“Bella, wait,” Edward began as I stepped into the elevator. 

“What?” I asked, my eyebrows raised impatiently. He stood there stupidly, his eyebrows furrowed and the corner of his mouth pulling down into a frown. He looked torn. Slowly, the elevator doors began to close, and I felt an inexplicable rush of disappointment. He was almost out of view when he moved forward quickly, slipping in between the closing doors.

“I didn’t say that I didn’t want to,” he said as the elevator lurched down. “Just that I didn’t think it would be a good idea.”

“And why not?” I asked. “What’s wrong with me that you can’t just sit down and just do your freaking assignment?”

“It’s not you. It’s me,” Edward said, closing his eyes for a moment and wincing as if he knew how stupid that sounded. “I can’t breathe in there. It’s too...stuffy.”

I felt my face relax, and I felt instant guilt wash over me. “You have a problem with study rooms? What are you, claustrophobic?

His lips twitched, and his eyes sparkled. “Something like that.”

“Something like that,” I echoed. “Alright, well, we still have to do this project. What do you suggest?”

“Let’s take a walk,” he suggested. 

We headed south, ending up by the fountain as we talked about the parts of both novels we felt would satisfy the assignment’s needs. The square surrounding the fountain definitely didn't have the privacy the study room afforded, as there seemed to be a steady stream of students walking about, but it was better than just going home.

As we talked, I was impressed with Edward’s ability to recall exact quotes of passages, but his insights were what I found most attractive. He was capable of a lot more depth than I had expected, and I wondered again how old he was. Surely he wasn’t that much older than me? But there was something incredibly mature about his mind. He was still an idiot when he came to communicating feelings and normal social interactions, I concluded, but I supposed no one was utterly perfect. 

“Don’t tell Robby, but I think he was onto something when he mentioned discussing monsters as a theme,” I said, watching the lights from the nearby buildings dance and reflect on the water in the fountain. “But not in the traditional sense, because I’d like to talk about how the other characters have “monstrous” qualities. Don’t we, as humans, all have some of those? And it was worse in the case of Frankenstein’s monster. He was a product of Victor’s creation. What choice was he given? Victor, on the other hand… I think comparing the idea of creation in Dracula would make this quite interesting as well.”

Edward sighed, a short burst of air that exuded discontent. “It’s getting late. Let me walk you to your dorm.”

“I’m fine,” I assured him. “If you need to get going, you can just go. I know my way home from here.”

“I don’t doubt that you do,” said Edward, standing up expectantly. “But my mother raised me to be a gentleman. She would be scandalized if she knew I’d left a pretty girl out alone in the middle of the night.”

“It’s ten o’clock,” I said, glancing at my phone and wondering how so much time had passed. I tried not to dwell on the fact that he had referred to me as “pretty” because I wasn’t sure my mind could juggle thinking about that and walking at the same time. “That’s hardly the middle of the night.”

“Even so,” Edward said, walking beside me. “It would make me feel better.”

“You’re incorrigible,” I said, but I was smiling as I said it, so it didn't have quite the impact I was going for.

“I think I’ve heard that before,” he hummed thoughtfully, completely unrepentant. “So you’ve told me your father lives in Forks… What about your mother? Is she…?”

“My mom lives in Florida,” I said, trying to assure him quickly. “She and her husband, Phil, that is. What about your parents?”

“My parents don’t live in Florida,” he answered lightly, grinning when he saw me roll my eyes. 

“Where do your parents live?” I asked. 

Edward didn’t answer at first; his expression was torn once again. Finally, he relaxed and took a deep breath. “That’s a complicated question,” he said. “My parents, my biological parents, died a long time ago. We lived in Chicago. My adopted parents live about thirty minutes outside of Seattle.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. I couldn’t imagine losing one or both of my parents. The very thought was excruciating. 

“As I said, it was a long time ago. I barely remember them.”

“I don’t think that makes it any better...does it?”

“Perhaps not. But it makes it easier. Tell me more about you, Bella. Do you have any siblings?"

I shook my head, a strand of hair fluttering into my face on the cool night breeze. Edward's hand rose a few inches, and I thought for a moment that he was about to move my hair out of my face. I imagined him tucking it behind my ear, smiling at me, his face moving closer… But his hand fell back to his side, rigid. I moved the hair myself.

"I'm an only child," I said, at last, hoping he hadn't noticed how distracted I had become. "You?"

"I have a rather large, adopted family. Two sisters, two brothers."

"That must be nice," I said. "Less lonely."

"I don't know. I'm kind of the odd one out. A perpetual third wheel, I suppose."

"I know how that is," I laughed. We were approaching Hansee Hall, and I was trying to find a reason to delay our arrival. I needed more time with him. Even the three hours we had spent talking wasn't enough. "I went to high school with both of my roommates. They had boyfriends for the majority of that time, though Jessica and Mike have been really on again off again. But I get it. Someone always has someone else…"

I hadn't meant to turn the conversation from family relationships to romantic ones, but here we were. 

"What happened to your wrist?" Edward asked as if only just noticing my shoddy bandage work.

I waved it off like I always did. "It's nothing. I'm just a bit of a klutz. Level ground, and I don't always see eye-to-eye, so you can imagine the time I have with a flight of stairs."

Edward didn't seem satisfied with that answer, but I had no better explanation for him. And we had arrived at our destination. I looked at my feet awkwardly, battling with my mind and heart. I knew my face was blushing something horrible, and I hoped Edward didn't notice. I'd already been rejected once. Chancing a glance up at him, I noted that Edward was looking at me like he didn't want to go either.

"I guess I'll see you in class," Edward said at last when it felt like too much time had already passed to avoid awkwardness.

"Unless you happen to see me before then," I started, knowing that I was about to begin rambling but unable to stop myself. "I got a job in the library, so if you happen to be in there studying or anything, you might see me. Not saying that you need to come to see me at work--I take my employment seriously, after all. I'm not just inviting people to come to hang out with me while I shirk my responsibilities, but I--"

"Bella," Edward laughed, but it wasn't mocking or judgemental. He was wearing that genuine smile again. "I'll see you later. Have a good night."

I gulped and nodded, whispering a feeble, "goodnight" to his retreating form. It wasn't until I had climbed the stairs to my dorm room that I realized I had never told Edward where I lived, yet he had walked me right to the entrance closest to my room. I wasn't sure what to make of that. I wasn't sure of anything anymore.


End file.
